I look up at my dearest friend as she twirls wire into petals. I have to look away. I’ve heard this before.
“Andrew likes you, you know.” She laughs.
The boy from the concert? He was forward. No. He joked secretly about pretending to be a Christian to win me. What does he know of life and love and companionship?
It’s so simple really. I just want…someone that will share my faith. That’s all. I want a partner. And yet, in all of the men I’ve met, in all of my searching, there has not been one. One….who’s been…why is this so hard God? The last one was my match in every way, so kind and wonderful, but he didn’t follow You. So I chase him away slowly, with every word, so that it will be impossible to return.
“I’ve already been down that road. It ripped my heart out. I won’t do that again.”
Waiting is impossibly difficult in this season.. In my youth, every day seems to ache with the promise of the future. I know my destiny holds so much more than to get married. I see God training me up to be a leader. I see Him positioning me for adventures in far-off places and teaching adults. But..as I receive my second bridesmaid invitation, I can’t help but look into the mirror and think selfish thoughts. “When will You send him Lord?” I feel so old at the laughable age of twenty-one. If any of you has any advice about dating, or waiting, I sure could use it. I know He has someone for me. Rebekah didn’t get married until forty. Maybe I’m just not mature enough for him yet. Or visa versa.
Either way, I will wait.
I know he will be worth it.
I hope you are enjoying the sunshine, wherever you are. 🙂 Cherish your lovers.
I want to hear more about strong women in the Bible like Deborah. I didn’t know about her until recently, but I have a new role model.
This is Judges 4.
(Warning: It gets a little gruesome at the end.)
“You hear a lot about how women were second-class citizens in the culture that you read about in the bible. It’s important to notice, though, that women were not second-class citizens in God’s eyes, ever. Deborah is a great example.
Deborah was a judge, a national leader, just like any male judge whom Israel recognized. She was even asked to go to battle. Know what she said? ‘I’ll go as long as you realize that everyone is going to know that a woman did the winning.’” -ncv
Are you serious? How kick-butt is that?!
Also, the second-class thing is untrue, especially for that time period…but that’s for another time.
Deborah
She was one of the first Judges. (Judges were a lot more important in ancient Israel than they are today. Not only did they decide legal cases, they acted as military leaders. Judges were responsible for inspiring the Israelites when they didn’t seem to care about God’s plan, leading them into battle against the people who were oppressing them and encouraging them to worship the Lord again.) She was married when she led the nation. She was a prophetess.
She would sit under a palm tree in the mountains as people came to her to settle their arguments. One day, she sent a letter to a man named Barak. She relayed the message from God telling him that the Lord commanded him to go and gather 10,000 men from Naphtali and Zebulun. God promised to hand over the captain Sisera, who had been cruel to Israel for twenty years under king Jabin (who defeated Israel when they fell away from God again).
“Then Barak said to Deborah, ‘I will go if you will go with me, but if you won’t go with me, I won’t go.’”
Deborah, in all her sass, responded, “’Of course I will go with you…but you will not get credit for the victory. The Lord will let a woman defeat Sisera.’” She went with Barak to gather the ten thousand men. When Sisera heard what was going on, he gathered his 900 iron chariots and all of his men from across the lands. He and his army went out to meet them.
“Then Deborah said to Barak, ‘Get up! Today is the day the Lord will hand over Sisera. The Lord has already cleared the way for you.’ So Barak led ten thousand men down Mount Tabor. As Barak approached, the Lord confused Sisera and his army and his chariots. The Lord defeated them with the sword, but Sisera left his chariot and ran away on foot.”
They chased his army. Not one of them was left alive. Sisera ran to the tent where a woman named Jael lived. Jael was the wife of Heber, a descendant of Moses’ brother-in-law….
Jael went out to meet Sisera and said, “’Come into my tent, my master! Come in. Don’t be afraid.’” She covered him with a rug and gave him milk when he asked for water. He told her to say “no” if anyone asked if someone was there. When Sisera fell into a deep sleep, Jael went outside. She grabbed a tent peg and a hammer. She hammered the tent peg through the side of Sisera’s head and into the ground.
“At that very moment Barak came by Jael’s tent, chasing Sisera. Jael went out to meet him and said, ‘Come. I will show you the man you are looking for.’ So Barak entered her tent, and there Sisera lay dead, with the tent peg in his head.
On that day God defeated Jabin, king of Canaan, in the sight of Israel. Israel became stronger and stronger against Jabin until finally they destroyed him.”
Judges 5 is The Song of Deborah.
I think I need reminding sometimes that I’m a strong woman of God because of He that lives inside of me. Being strong won’t ruin my chances of finding a husband. The right man will be drawn to me and the God that lives inside. There are higher things to set my eyes on than what lies on the horizon.
When all the foolishness has cleared, when my eyes are set on other things than boys and selfishness, I am in the presence of quiet gifts. Moments only I will know and am so blessed to have been given. I see You, God. 😉
Today, we went to the funeral of a close friend of Dad’s. (This is not a sad story.) I knew him only in name. As I pulled my black sweater with flowers over my head, I heard Mom crying from downstairs. I’m not sure if she knew him or not– but the sentiment was there. We hurried out the door, running a bit behind as usual.
We met with my aunt as she walked from her car. We headed inside as a family. My brother, David, held the door for us and another family. I held back, waiting for him. An unspoken connection and understanding.
Inside, unfamiliar men and women took notice of my gentle-giant father and greeted him with excited hugs and somber smiles. Introductions, sad smiles, loving. David and I found a couch on the side of the room where the ceremony would be. The room was full. My aunt wandered in and we traded positions. I perched on the arm of the couch. That’s exactly, fate would happen, where I was supposed to be.
A woman stood leaning against the wall to my right, taking in the room. She looked alone. We started talking. She turned out to be an incredible gift. She sat next to me on the arm of the couch and told me about the peaceful man in the casket. Two birds huddling together.
“He was intense,” my eyebrows shot up, “…and caring, and oh so loving. He would take the time to really get to know who you were as a person.” There was a calmness to her. Generosity in her eyes.
She cleaned for his mother and someone else, when she wasn’t working as a flight attendant and loving on her new husband. “It’s a different kind of serving. But it’s good. You go out and serve these high-profile people… celebrities… and then you come home and serve mother’s of friends. Cleaning houses. It’s humbling.” I sat and listened. She didn’t say it to brag. When my dad said ‘hello’ earlier, he didn’t leave her with much talking room. Now, she had the floor it seemed. He should have listened, too.
The pastor began to speak. He introduced himself as “Mark Lyle.” I shot a look back at my dad. Another of his best friends. It’s strange to see them in person.
The speech was good. Touching. He was funny and kind and I got a glimpse into the character of a man who touched those around me. The man who had passed was a his best friend, too. I liked that Mr. Lyle didn’t make him seem like an angel. He mentioned his flaws in a loving way. He was very stubborn, apparently. I liked that. I would have liked him, I think.
The kind woman next to me sniffled and held back quiet sobs. I tried to give her room to mourn. I didn’t acknowledge her suffering except to hand her the tissue box in the beginning. She shook her head ‘no.’ She had a folded private supply shoved carefully in her pants. hahaha
At the end of the service, we bowed our heads to pray. I finally allowed the tears to leak from my eyes. The suffering around me had had it’s effect. I sniffled. I felt a weight on my folded hands and opened my eyes to see a folded tissue. “Thank you.” I whispered. I hope she heard me.
She was gone when I opened them again. She must have left early to help with the after-dinner.
——
I saw Mrs. Depollo later. Another incredible woman. I will bore you of the details no longer, don’t worry. 🙂 But she is quite a lady. If I could choose to grow up to be like someone–it would be her. And of every coincidence, apparently her daughter is a TESL teacher. In San Diego. The city I fell in love with in unusual circumstances. What a strange day.
We walked out somber, happy and close. David tortured me playfully once we reached the parking lot. I glared. I listen to stories of old friends in the kitchen. What a good home. What a lucky home. I am fortunate.
The Wandering Elephant 