It’s been a while since I’ve spoken.
I’m not really sure what this blog is, but it’s here. Still here. I’d almost forgotten the password, like a key found for an old toy box. Watching the movie Suite Francaise, I’m struck, once again, by the legacy of words. Unless some tragedy befalls me later in life, these words won’t matter. They don’t really matter now. They’re just thoughts that I want out of my brain, to see in front of me.
If my future daughter or grandchild finds these bits of words, I don’t want to leave where I left. I want to be honest and genuine, even if it’s dark. But, to leave where I left…Things have changed, as they reliably do.
Present day — Family
I live in Tampa now.
I moved out of my parents house a year and a half ago. I was 23. I’ll be visiting them in Ohio in a week or so for Christmas. I’m lucky to have them and the small family here in Florida, that I’ve gotten to meet and learn more about. Christine and Janelle finally immigrated here in March. It took two years with immigration and a lot of money that Dad didn’t have. Christine was getting stir-crazy in Kenya, even with her family. I can only imagine Janelle’s state. I heard she packed her bags several times, not understanding that her dad was more than a plane ride away. There was paperwork between them. She was 5? 6? Anywho, they’re here now. They’re very happy. They both have resilient spirits that could thrive anywhere.
Janelle’s been asking harder questions. She doesn’t quite grasp how we have the same dad, but two families. She’s curious about her brother that she’s never met. She says things like, “my dad.” She’s almost there.
Mom and Dad in Ohio are level in their ups and downs. Grandpa asked Grandma how she’d met Mom, a month ago. There’s no way he’ll remember me when I see him for Christmas. But, we’ll have a lovely meeting. What a rare chance to get to meet your grandpa for the first time, after already knowing him. I hope I’ll make a good impression. We’re definitely going to talk about bowling and carving golf balls.
He said he wanted a divorce, the other day. That one hurt Gram.
“I never realized how awful this disease could be,” she said. I rarely see this side. Now, I see why my mom was so afraid of the disease, growing up. He’s not Leonard anymore. His personality has changed completely to a stranger they don’t recognize. They never fought, but do. He never swore, but does. He followed a child outside that doesn’t exist. I’m not sure how much longer he’ll be.
Men
I wish there was a fanciful story to tell. I long for the glimpse of a real-life lasting, but I fear it’s far off– Oh! I do have a cat now. The classic substitute. He found me outside, in my apartment complex. Rather, my co-worker called me in a panic about him. He was too sweet to stay outside (said the person who hates cats). I prayed on the way over, “God, you know I don’t really want a cat, but if you want me to keep this one– let me pick him up without trouble.” If you know anything about cats, they normally don’t like to be held. Especially a stray. Not only did he let me pick him up, but he started purring when I did. He’s been mine ever since. Saucy boy.
Besides that very important male, there’s only Jake.
Sigh.
Long ago, I prayed another prayer when I was young. I asked God to let me experience all varieties of bad, so I could better empathize and help people who’d been through them.
Jake is the first infatuation I’ve had that’s… already taken. I hate this one. I never planned on or wanted feelings for him. They sprung about during a time where we were working 12-18 hour workdays together. Maybe it started a little before then, if I’m being honest. He’s not the classic face of romance novels, but he knows how to brighten a room with laughter. He’s always willing to help others. He’s a hard worker. He’s so intelligent. This sounds conceited, but it’s not often that I find a match, in that. The most important part, he doesn’t flaunt it, or his other perks.
Yet, he’s taken by someone else. Someone who he defends, but the rest of his friends hate. Someone he doesn’t even know himself, he says. Yet, he stays. It would be easier if she were kind or didn’t use him for things.
It wouldn’t work between us, anyways. I desperately want my next person to share my faith. I’m tired of that lacking. It relates to all else in a person.
Someday we’ll get there. Maybe in South Korea.
Until then, I’m going to keep loving the joys that I have.
Yours in the rambling,
Christie
The Wandering Elephant 